The following is a story I have written as an allegory depicting my struggle to overcome the physical dependence my body developed to the drug class benzodiazepine - more commonly known as Valium, Xanax and Ativan. I was given this drug during a routine surgery, without my knowledge, which set into motion a serious set of circumstances due to my intolerance to this drug. The battle to break free from this drug is just as much spiritual as it is physical. I believe this holds true for most addiction/dependence issues. I pray this sheds light on the depth of the fight you or someone you know may be going through with addiction/dependence - and also the glory in the victory and to Whom it belongs.
Benny
My first encounter with him was second hand. I was an innocent having had no prior experience with him. Others might have caught on right away but I was uninformed. He actually sent one of his lackeys to do his dirty work. It was a warning of what was to come but I didn't realize it at the time. Funny how that happens. It can be right there in front of our face but we don't see it and neither does anyone else – even those who are trained to see.
I will call him Benny because although the name doesn't do justice to his destructive power I wouldn't want to give him any more acclaim than he deserves. It's my own way of chipping away at his voluminous pride. I don't know the name of the courier who delivered the first message but that is inconsequential because it was delivered with clarity – YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG I AM! I felt the power of the threat but I had no idea what the future held. As I said, I was an innocent. Having no frame of reference relating to his threat and being ignorant of his power I went on with life, not forgetting, just living.
Looking back I can see it was weeks before I heard from Benny again. His next visit was longer and more subversive. He didn't need to send anyone to announce his presence. He was there making himself known. It was like rats in the attic. I knew he was there by all the noise and evidence left behind – as rats do - but he was elusive and hard to catch in the act. His ego feasted with pleasure at remaining anonymous. His antics were wearing on me and I felt exhausted from the constant hassle of his ghost-like presence. He didn't need to be threatening at this point because his tactic of annoyance was thorough enough to accomplish his goal. He relished this aspect of his molestation process without being exposed. He could do this dirty work all on his own. He didn't need assistance. Then he seemed to vanish.
Benny had many drones but I was fortunate, or unfortunate as the case may be, to have dealt with only a few. He introduced me to them with precision. There was one, though not of his own, he used well as a pawn. He was called See'r. See'r was an unwitting accomplice to the works of Benny in setting the stage for his devious, deceptive and deadly game. See'r's intentions had been only the best. He even lived by the creed First, do no harm. Yet, as Benny's pawn, he was kept in the dark as to how well he was being manipulated. He could easily be sacrificed at any given moment. Benny loved pawns.
I had been introduced to See'r as a child and grew to trust him – even consult with him when necessary. He liked to believe he had healing powers. I must admit I wanted to believe that as well. All-the-while there had been no reason to suspect he had any involvement with Benny. In fact it wasn't until many years later that Benny made his most dramatic and game-changing decision. Benny decided to give See'r over to his most powerful assistant, Phran, as a special project. Phran embraced this distinguished assignment with smug arrogance and she flaunted it with great pride before the others. I call Phran “she” because that is the appearance given however this is only a disguise. Phran is outwardly beautiful and seductive – the very reason Benny chose her over the others for this special task – but underneath lies the most ugly creature one has yet to imagine. See'r was no match and easily fell prey to Phran and the deceptions Benny had instructed her to use. Adding her own sick and sadistic twist, much to Benny's pleasure. To this day See'r does not see the true ugly underbelly that Phran so cleverly hides.
Benny dispatched his second courier and I quickly knew his name – Leech. He didn't need to announce himself with a message, as did the first, because I began to lose strength and motivation as if the very drive of life was being sucked right out of my bones down to my very soul. I knew when he arrived. I began to quickly lose weight no longer having an appetite - food had lost all appeal. The realization came – I was in a battle. I just didn't understand the war. See'r wanted to help but was completely unprepared for Benny's stealthy ways. Benny would smirk with pleasure at times like that.
I kept up what strength I could eating only what was tolerable. Food was often completely tasteless. Or, at its worst, tasted like dirt. Leech was proud of that feat. He was good at his assignment. His tactics spawned myriad side effects. My heart beat was irregular at times and then without warning would race uncontrollably. See'r tried to stand by my side, witnessing first-hand Benny's assaults, yet the veil of blindness Benny had blanketed him with left him wholly ineffective - and left me feeling abandoned and utterly helpless. Leech was depleting my body of the nutrients which manage the crucial delicate balance of the human hormonal system. He relished coursing through my body surfing waves of destruction. At times it felt akin to the waves of birth pains flowing, peaking and ebbing according to some unknown and unalterable time table. I could sense him coming and quickly learned to succumb to his presence. The waves would pass bringing relief, thus surrender was much easier than fighting. Leech was strong.
The next messenger seamlessly followed Leech and I nearly missed his presence altogether. I know now his name was Pall and he came with an assistant – Vex. Leech had been withdrawn and I began to recover from his assault. Pall brought an illusion of calm and with that distraction allowed me to be deceived into thinking Benny had forgotten about me. But Vex had his subtle ways of keeping the game alive. His presence was made known by those remaining occasional irregular heartbeats. Though I didn't understand those palpitations I came to expect them and learned to live with them not knowing I was really living with the presence of Pall and Vex. They were both very good at what they did. They apparently had honed their skills well – that's why Benny used them. Pall and Vex followed their assignment for many months. It had been their job to prepare me for the war.
By this time I had become fully aware of Benny's existence and presence although not of his power. He had previously called in Nescience and she was even better at her job than all the others. She had been at work all along – undercover - keeping me unaware and unfamiliar with all of the slimy tentacles of Benny's grip on my life. I was Benny's prey and he was staged for the kill. He had blood-lust in his eye and he attacked with force. The blow caught me completely off guard and nearly took me down but in the assault he pushed Nescience aside and exposed himself - an error he surely regrets. I attempted to consult See'r but with Phran having been so successful on her front his efforts were completely nullified. It appears that Nescience may have played a roll there as well. Benny had been so blinded by his lust for my life he didn't recognize my faithful friend, Ally, standing next to me. Ally quickly encircled me with his protection allowing me to glimpse Benny's plan. Ally had been the one who opened my eyes making me aware. But awareness is not always knowledge. One can never know the depth of a battle until they are in the thick of it. The war was on.
Ally quickly soothed my wounds while speaking to me of courage. He told me that although I must fight this war he had taken care of the victory. He said it was going to be a journey of faith and he gave me Apotheon and Herald to come along side for my support. He showed me clearly that although Benny had his own agenda there was a greater plan at work – the one victory had already claimed. But Benny now knew I was no easy mark. This war was not just about victory over Benny but a victory of faith intended to stand the test of time in my life. Ally was a good friend and I trusted his words. He comforted me when I feared the many battles yet to come - a realization clarified when I was allowed that glimpse into Benny's plan.
Benny didn't hold back. He threw everything he could think of into the fray in attempt to undermine my resolve of endurance to the end. He assaulted my body, mind and spirit tempting me to succumb to his lies, all the while whispering with feigned affection, You belong to me. He wanted me to believe victory was hopeless. And he wanted me to believe escape was impossible. Because, after all, hadn't he already been in my life for some time now? Even with his alluring words I knew Benny was deceiving me. How could he speak to me with such conviction after delivering such a devastating blow? Turning my back on him and running to Ally was my biggest victory.
I chose to rely upon Ally, Apotheon and Herald for truth, support and protection, knowing I would have little strength left following each assault. I had put to good use my resources and had come to know by now Benny was an accomplished liar. Apotheon kept me strong in spirit. Herald deflected the work of Benny's minions during battle, diminishing his power over me. See'r was helpless – he had been completely seduced by Phran. Ally never left my side. His words of encouragement were my stronghold and his promises of victory my banner – which I waved often in Benny's face. Ally had given me the Book long before and reminded me of a story from old within its pages about the battle near Ebenezer. He said to me, The victor then is the same victor now. He reminded me it was all in the Book and that I should continue to read it and keep it close at all times; it would be my biggest defense.
The Book was not strange to me, I knew it well, and determined to follow Ally's word. The Book spoke of the darkness, and having tasted the darkness Benny was capable of, I chose to trust the words of the Book and Ally. Darkness was Benny's playground. He used it - lived it - because he was the very essence of darkness. He had surrendered to it from the very beginning and at night, in the dark, his blows were aimed at robbing me of sleep. His assaults were especially vicious just before dawn because he knew with light came truth. Yet every morning I would arise and speak with Ally and read the Book reclaiming victory. There were many passages within the pages that gave me great confidence in what Ally had told me. I committed many of the words to memory because I understood that at times in battle I might not see him or feel his presence yet his words from the Book would give me strength; Ally had warned me of this. The Book was evidence of his promise to remain with me. Benny was swift and efficient at blocking my view of Ally during battle but he could not hinder what was hidden within my heart.
The Book reminded me of Ally's faithfulness and called to my attention the armor I had at my disposal to help me stand against Benny's attacks. I put that armor on daily and checked it regularly not hesitating to call upon Apotheon to help hold the armor in place when the war was overwhelming. He was also especially helpful at preparing me for battle speaking words of strength and encouragement prior to entering the battle field. Herald's sheer size and strength was effective at diminishing Benny's multi-level attacks because Ally had given him this power on my behalf. That was very reassuring when my own strength was depleted due to Benny's long time presence in my life.
Over the eons Benny had honed well his craft and cunning – his lies were smooth like silk. He was nearly successful at convincing me my world was collapsing – it surely felt cataclysmic if I depended only on the evidence of wounds following each attack. He continued his efforts to convince me he would withdraw his assault if only I would give in and let him have his way with me. I found solace in a passage of the Book containing words speaking to just such a time when it would appear that the mountains were falling into the very heart of the sea yet Ally would be the very present help in times of trouble. This passage also speaks of the beauty yet to come after the war was over and rest would be given. There are many examples of words of encouragement within the Book which say, Take courage and fear not. These words in the Book warn of battles with the one – called the thief - who will attempt to steal, kill and destroy our lives. I clung to those truths. I found the courage and boldness to confront Benny reminding him of his defeat and informing him I would never renounce my allegiance to Ally. That undoubtedly was Benny's goal. His tactics were no longer quite so subtle. His ultimate lie was Surrender and you will see how harmless I am. By now my resolve was firm and I laughed at Benny's bravado. Apotheon and Herald remained faithful helpers and laughed with me.
In time I grew stronger and Benny's attacks diminished into skirmishes and from skirmishes to scrimmages until he was nothing but a shadow of a memory. Benny's grip weakened; even though he fought hard he finally released me completely. Had I not believed in the foretelling of his defeat within the pages of the Book Ally had given to me I would not have been able to stand strong. And without Apotheon, who held me up when I could not stand on my own, and Herald who fought for me when I was too weak, I would not have come to claim the victory waiting for me. Ally was right, it was a journey of faith. I learned much regarding the strength of the human spirit. I learned much about the strength of my own spirit.
Within the Book Ally had given to me there are many words in which I found comfort. And because this battle I fought with Benny was a journey of faith I came to trust even more in those faithful words I believe to be true. Ally's Book tells us there will be times of suffering until the Great One ends time as we know it and those who trust in Ally will live on. Yet now this time in which we live is for the strengthening of the spirit and of faith. We must be alert and resist the enemy of our spirit who prowls as a hungry lion to hunt us down and devour us. His name will not always be Benny. And this enemy - this thief - is ceaseless and will continue the war until he has been annihilated by the Great One – which is also promised in the Book – followed by great joy and rejoicing as we have never known.
To God be the Glory
1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.
Copyright 2012 Donna Larsen
