Life Goes On

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Life goes on, things happen, goals are unmet - we must accept the truth and move on. I've been unable to spend the time at my computer as I had hoped, falling short of my personal goal to finish the trilogy by the first of this month. I'm not stressed, neither am I condemning myself out of sheer personal disappointment. Would I have liked to complete that personal challenge? Yes! Do I know one cannot force a round peg into a square hole? Also, yes! Sadly, body and mind don't always cooperate with one another.

Having had a personal connection with the previous two stories, Benny and Billy, writing them from a place of understanding allowed the stories to very nearly write themselves. Yet, if the third in the trilogy is to be of the same nature as the first two, out of a trial for myself or someone else, then I'm in no hurry. I'm hoping for inspiration without the accompanying trial.

So, here I sit, thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head, occasionally colliding forming a larger concept, yet never going further. According to the information I've received from the writers group I attend, I'm approaching this all wrong, but for now this is how I operate. I don't pretend to be a "writer". I just want to be a vessel out of which stories are written for the edification and enlightenment of others.

To understand why my desire is to edify and enlighten, let me address, for a moment, my genre of writing. If you have read Benny and Billy  then you know where I'm coming from. I enjoy writing spiritual fiction, and of course, where this blog began, devotionals. I believe we live in a time where there is much going on in the unseen world - great spiritual battles being waged all around us. Writing to encourage faith and enlighten understanding about how spiritual events become interwoven into our lives is my goal.

I write from the foundation of human nature and the belief and understanding that there is a whole other dimension of reality out there impacting our lives in profound ways. This spiritual dimension, the dark side, that is, plays upon our natural bent to fall short - to sin, and indulge self above others. For example, in writing Billy,  it was freakishly easy to imagine shedding all restraints and sinking to the depths of human nature at it's worst and most self-indulgent.
Mainly because I know we emerge from the womb self consumed. Those of us who have had the immense pleasure/pain of raising children know we must teach them to be selfless. The nature of the beast (using this term most lightly) desires everything to be "mine".

The good news is there is a winning side in this spiritual battle - the perspective from which I write. Having read and studied the Bible for many years now, and more recently, delved into the book of Revelation, I have a greater appreciation for the battle being waged around us on a daily basis. Clearly there is good and evil in this world. I don't think anyone would dispute that. My writing perspective comes from what's behind the good and evil. The war being waged for our very souls.

So, stay tuned. Lord willing, there will be more to come.

Updates and Observations

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

     I've been silent for a while because, well, I've just been busy. I'm currently working on the third in the trilogy of Benny, Billy and ??? Stay tuned, I will eventually get it up on my blog but first I am going to attempt to finish it, as a personal challenge, for publication - and I don't mean just on my blog. So, we'll see. Either way it will show up here by the end of November.

     I didn't know I would enjoy writing in the spiritual fiction genre so much until I'd finished Benny. But then again, why am I surprised? That's my very favorite genre to read, with Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti making the top of my favorite author list.  Then when Billy appeared,  friends said, "Well, now there has to be a third to make a trilogy!" I laughed at the thought, but revisited the idea concluding, Why not?!

     In maintaining a summer Bible study discipline, I chose to study the book of Revelation. A        quick web search turned up an excellent downloadable study and I began early in May - I'm still at it! It's a 22 week study I'm in no hurry to finish. What a way to get the creative juices flowing, with it's amazing view of the final battle of good and evil. Spoiler alert - good wins!

     As a long time student of the Bible, it is no surprise to me the presence and power of evil, with it's desire to pull others down to destruction. Evil is a degradation and not an elevation of the human spirit. Our base nature so easily leans that way. And, in Revelation, it clearly reveals where the root of evil lies, with the final battle playing out as Satan throws everything he has into his final attempt to destroy mankind. Unfortunately, to some degree, he will be successful. There will be those who willingly follow his deceptions having fully abandoned any faith in God, believing only what they see with their eyes; those whose only desire is to "survive" in this world. Yet, in the end, they will fatefully find there is more to life than just the physical. But, trust me folks, it will get ugly! Unimaginable and unthinkable things are going to happen in that time, and thus reading Revelation makes for good inspiration.

     To me, the most fascinating part of Revelation is John, the author, writing in the year 96 A.D. - making observations of things shown to him in the distant future! Things like the technology we daily take for granted, and possibly things we've yet to see ourselves. Think about it, how would you describe something you've never seen before, and have no clue what it is? That makes Revelation totally science "non-fiction" to John! Just imagine going back in time to the early 1800's, before they even knew what a light bulb was, and attempting to describe all the scientific and technological advancements we currently have. John had the even greater challenge because he didn't know what he was describing. What Satan will have at his disposal in this great final battle is mind-boggling!

     If I were a scientifically-minded intellectual, Oh, the things I could write! But, alas, I'm not, so I write out of what I do know. And I know, of all the resources Satan has at his disposal, his greatest ploy is deception, the blinding of the eyes to the truth. He will use whatever it takes to achieve that goal.

     God does not want anyone to fall prey to Satan's deceptions. He's given us the truth. We either choose to believe it or not. When we willingly turn our backs on that truth, He will only give us so much time to change our minds. Where do you stand today?

God is patient...not wanting any to perish but for all to change their mind and turn to Him.
2 Peter 3:9

Billy

Monday, July 23, 2012

Inspired by a true life story, the following is entitled Billy. It is intended as a sequel to Benny. If you haven't read Benny I encourage you to do so; it is a symbolic spiritual representation of my own personal experience. And Billy, much the same, is also a representation of the true life story of someone else. I would love to hear your comments. Enjoy!


Billy


     Detesting the acidic taste of defeat, the Serpent of Old slithered away leaving an undulating path in the dust of the earth. So, it has come to this, he thought, smoldering as he skulked away. He was exasperated with botched jobs assigned to his lackeys. His goal now was to find a new project. He needed to find something a little more hands-on this time. The unsuspecting and unguarded were his most sumptuous prey. They were easy to find and he prided himself on his stealth attacks. He was tired of the puppetry with his minions. They never seemed to respond with the precision he would prefer. However, he had to admit, being the puppeteer did produce great pleasure as one jerk of the line held the power to make many jump. This reflection twisted his reptilian face into a sinister smile.

     Being a serpent, it was necessary to employ some creativity for the perfect “hands-on” adventure and thereby provide a two-fold experience – posses one and torment another. He needed to choose well or he could find all his efforts wasted after a time. His vehicle needed to be completely devoid of conscience, empty in spirit, easily given to suggestion and ripe for possession. It was as close to sensual as the Serpent could come when occupying his vehicle, snaking his way up the spine and into the psyche. He found Billy as ripe as an August peach. Already given to lust and it's perversions, Billy was the perfect choice. As the Serpent made his pleasured access to assume his new persona, Billy shuddered with excitement when the awareness of his own lust was heightened. The embrace was mutual. Consummating control of the body, the Serpent immediately felt the unity. The unholy duo was born. Pleased to be standing upright, he marveled at finding himself tall and handsome; charming was a bonus, as Billy had previously laid the groundwork necessary via a “little black book”. The reformation was complete – he was now at the helm. Seamlessly, as Billy, he took his first steps toward his next delight. New-B, as he thought of himself, hissing out a sulfurous laugh at his own wit, could not have been more thrilled with his new visage.

     A consummate ladies man, narcissistic and cunning to the core, Billy always had one in his pocket, one on the hook and at the very least one in the wings being groomed – but that was only on a slow day. Today was no different. A jack-of-all-trades by profession working odd jobs, Billy had varied skills which kept him in regular contact with a wide field of prey. Again, the Serpent congratulated himself on his discriminating choice. Billy came complete with the perfect infrastructure for the plan. While on his current job he had sighted the neighbor, a young single woman, whom the Serpent thought would be the perfect “toy”. He detested having to go out of his way. He coiled with pleasure over Billy's keen eye and Billy responded with a sadistic sigh. Now, with a few hours until she returned home from work, he devised his plan. First contact was always crucial.

     Needing to assume the perfect character for the part, he found Billy had already honed his skill at contrition. Ah, the ideal ploy. This was always a good opening he found. His dark side had the uncanny ability to shine when needed. Having already set the stage, prior to her return, with a calculated truck bumper shoved against her now broken split-rail fence he moved in, feigning humility, to make first contact. So smooth was his approach he very nearly left a trail in the dust rather than the expected footprints as he moved in sizing up his prey. His apology had to be flawless. Sliding in with a contrite smile applied – carefully not allowing his snake-like features to reveal themselves - and speaking to obtain her attention, he sprang his trap. He felt bad...could he be forgiven...yada, yada, yada. She, of course, caught off guard by such a forthright admission - and handsome smile - could do nothing but smile back and clear his conscience for him. Besides, Billy, contorting his reptilian features into the most humble form possible, offered to repair her fence before completing the job at her neighbors. Convenient and it proffered future contact.

     Over eons of practice New-B (he thoroughly enjoyed the irony of his self-proclaimed moniker) had honed his people skills well and was able to extract vital personal information in the course of the conversation. With his strategy in place he could begin the grooming process of What was her name? Oh, well, names are of no consequence. However he liked Souris, the French word for mouse, and thought it appropriate in this instance. Yes, Souris, she will be, he thought, remembering his love for watching the earthly little felines toying with their prey before the kill. The relationship to his current arrangement didn't escape him in the least. He almost blew his cover as those troublesome reptilian features twisted into a sadistic smirk behind Billy's face.

     Relishing the game as Billy, he took his time with Souris during the following week. Keeping the contact casual but flirty to maintain interest. Besides, time was of no essence, he had other options in play in the meanwhile - being without options was never an option. And the little black book was certainly a windfall for that purpose. And, Oh, the technology! A few phone calls, some well abbreviated text messages, and his horizons expanded over night. Delighted, he barely knew which option to pursue to keep the game in play the longest. He allotted some time for playing with Billy's current girlfriend, twisting her thinking, building her dependence, all-the-while plotting his next move with Souris. Feeling completely enamored of his new found pleasures in lust, each nefarious thought inspired another raising his consciousness to a new god-like level. At the moment he couldn't even remember this girlfriend's name. She provided only the necessary hovel for him to return to each night. He had no real use for her – except her credit cards which allowed him access to the worldly implements of his trade. He found it unusual when Souris rebuffed his use of flowers. In the past the flattery of flowers had been an easy scheme always working to open doors when well timed and well placed. However, she actually appeared offended and that was intriguing. Now he must find the right approach to break her will. This was going to be a challenge he would thoroughly enjoy.

     Meanwhile, the one Billy was grooming for his next foray was easily held in place with minimal contact. Easy marks were in no short supply. This one only required an occasional text message and brief phone call – almost too easy. It was Souris who was keeping him bemused. She was unlike any other he had previously encountered. By prolonging the job next door he was able to watch and learn; placing some well timed phone calls and text messages. Oh, how he loved text messages. Intimate yet casual all at the same time. It was amazing what could be conveyed merely with a letter. It sure beat stone tablets! The modern world - the ultimate playground – became opportunity at the very finger tips. Yet, Souris was holding him at arm's length when others had already begun to yield. A greater challenge than expected but one that only served to increase the pleasure of the hunt. This challenge demanded darker more ancient skills. Skills honed over 2000 years ago. He began to salivate at the thought of going even deeper. Tapping into ancient resources of knowledge and experience acquired eons ago, Billy was jubilant. It filled him with an exuberance for life previously unexplored fueling his ungodly passions. Souris would be no match for this new art form; because, indeed, this time it would be elevated to a work of art. Cunning and craft combined to the ultimate end, he mused as a demented smile crossed his face. Was that a scale he saw on his eyebrow in the mirror this morning?

     That night, distracted by Souris' rebuff, he snaked his way back to the girlfriend's pit – for that's what he thought of it. Her attempts at cleanliness were only met with contempt, though he did enjoy tormenting her with his raving upon finding the smallest thing out of place when he came home. This time he used his new found energy against the girl, demeaning her mercilessly and found it uniquely satisfying. He would have to call this energy up more often. The power was intoxicating. Reeling her in with feigned love and adoration, along with a little blasphemy, she had fallen for him in short order, allowing him free access into her home. The misplaced morals of this age made it too easy - but there was no victory to be had there and that disgusted him. Tonight he would sleep in the den.

     Billy's dreams that night were a torment of passion and putrescence. He awoke abruptly with the smell of decay in his nostrils and lust in his blackened heart and he took it out on the girl. This new sovereignty is highly effectual, he smirked with gratification. Leaving her without a thought he slithered off to work with a renewed sense of purpose for the day. This was going to be the day Souris would be added to his spoil. He felt confident there would be no hindrances. Sure, the rebuff had been put into play but that was just the way of the mouse wasn't it. They always enjoyed the game as much as the cat, right? toying with the affections of the felines just to keep it interesting. But in the end the cat always got the prize. The reward for a game well played.

     Still working on the job at the neighbor's house, Billy was able to monitor the coming and going of Souris. Gaining entry through an unlocked door while she was away, he surveyed her home noting all points of access. He smoldered with excitement at the intimacy of being in her space undetected, carefully leaving no evidence of his intrusion. But the urge to touch and fondle was nearly impossible to keep in check. The sights and smells were tantalizing, drawing him like a moth to a flame as he went from room to room taking in the luxury of this reconnaissance. Knowing the intimacy of the mouse's space was always helpful in forming his final tactic, and touching brought him Oh, so much closer. Yet his demonic confidence maintained that this time his approach wouldn't need elaborate design and thus touching wouldn't be necessary – though highly desirable. He reluctantly withdrew himself returning to work.

     In recent months his ego had grown with each new conquest. So certain was he this time he would need only to adorn himself with his soft feline qualities, he would rely only on the persistent patience of the hunt to gain him entrance without force. Now all he had to do was wait – the tantalizing and torturous wait. And wait he must; it had to be after dark. That's when the advantage is his, when the resistance of every Souris is weakest. He had never failed when his strategy was employed after dark. For now, in the waiting, he would pursue the game, pulling strings, making use of technology with some text messages and a phone call or two. Endearing phrases, along with the sound of his voice would, most certainly, prime the pump, so-to-speak. But he didn't quite have the patience of the feline refined as yet and the wait was virtually unbearable. Returning to the pit at the end of the day he was caught off guard finding an empty house and a note. He would be alone for the weekend. His lip curled in an angry snarl, What's-her-name was gone visiting her sister. His sinister heart had been set on some amusement and a shower before playing out the game with Souris. A little pre-game entertainment along with a beer or two – if he even bothered to count – would heighten the outcome.

     Conceding to only the beer and to help pass the time he curled his scaly reptilian fingers around the “little black book”, scanned the entries and chose an alternate pastime to amuse himself. Ah, here's one previously overlooked, his sulfuric breath wheezed through flaccid lips, surprised at the repulsive sound it made. This diversion would be quite entertaining. Fresh targets always caused his cold blood to run faster. Secondary contact had to be well timed and the clock was ticking on this one. He was grateful for the time-stamp system in this registry otherwise the occasional one would slip away due to lack of attention. Here strategy wasn't necessary, only contact, so he entertained himself in lengthy conversation before boredom and lack of interest set in. Trapping Souris was nagging in his perverted mind driving him like an overbearing taskmaster. He had to take control. He bowed to no master; he was no slave! He showered, made the awkward attempt at shaving – contorting the human face for such a ritual was so distasteful - and left without any gratification from the evening's entertainment.

     Checking himself in the rear-view mirror of his truck he sampled several expressions, focusing on the eyes. Not only did his appearance have to be perfection, so also did his demeanor. He never had quite gotten the whole transition into human form down pat and found often the eyes gave him away for some reason. Tonight it must be impeccable. Intimidation and forcefulness most certainly must remain concealed upon approach. Force would come later, but for starters it was all about pacification; convincing Souris the feline meant no harm. This, the final stage of the chase, always filled him with an unmatched exhilaration, yet managed with a cunning and calculated calm. This is what he lived for.

     Opting to begin with a short text message before driving away, he sent a simple query to Souris about her day. Expecting a quick response, he was momentarily confused when it went unanswered. He sent another five minutes later. Again nothing. Several more tries and his patience began to wear thinner than a sheet of ice in hell. He changed tactics. Dialing her number, the expectation was an answer, yet again he was met with only a voice mail prompt. Caught off guard for the second time in the evening he immediately hung up; but reconsidering and redialing, he chose to leave an enticing voice message instead. Getting cut-off by the message timer, he called back just to finish his thought. Lack of control was completely unacceptable, not to mention, he despised when the game-play didn't follow his predetermined plan. He snorted, very nearly expelling sulfurous fumes through his nostrils, as he sat in the truck. The alcohol he had previously consumed now fully coursing through his system began to sway his decision making. Juss who does s'this lil' snip ofa mouse think she ish anyway? She can't lead me on and then'ot follow through! Billy slurred out loud.

     The Serpent was incensed, ready to send Billy up in flames he was so angry. His passion for lustful pleasures had ensnared him, along with Billy, and now he was suffering the consequences as Billy wrestled for control due to the high alcohol levels in his blood. This was not the usual outcome; Billy's lust ran even deeper than anticipated. He would need to divert Billy's attention. Twisting tighter up into Billy's psyche, reminding him of all his past conquests, and giving him a brief glimpse into the future, the Serpent hissed conspiratorially, Who said there has to be only one tonight? Billy surrendered as the passions of his past played across his mind in pornographic fashion. The Serpent sighed with sadistic pleasure at once again being in control. This was going to be a good night!

     Billy drove off in a drunken fog deciding first to make a brief detour, thinking that nearly overlooked little entry in his black book would be fun for some warm up exercises. They say you should always stretch before a work out, right? he calculated, as he aimed his truck toward his first victim of the night.

     Completing that mission so quickly he didn't even work up a sweat, and after ravishing her violently and mercilessly, he left her devastated on the floor of her bedroom, bleeding and bruised. He huffed fumes of contempt and disgust at her as he slammed the door behind himself, heading for Souris' house; already worked up because she hadn't had the courtesy to answer her phone or texts. He knew the drive blindfolded, having been in the neighborhood for his job and the frequent drive-by to keep an eye on the prize. Arriving well after dark, he grew giddy with deviant delight to find lights still on in the house. So, she IS home after all! Playing hard to get, I see, he hissed; and the windows were all open as well. Perfect for alternate access if necessary. He exited his truck on legs still rubbery from the alcoholic consumption, though it's effects were beginning to wear off.

     Making his bold play, Billy sauntered up to the front door, nearly loosing his cool as he stumbled over some unseen object, rang the doorbell fully confident Souris would emerge, and pleased the glass in the door would allow him to see her face as she approached. The element of surprise always made for great counterplot. Yet, this time, he was certain she knew he was coming and would be waiting expectantly for him to appear. Really, she understands the game play by now, right? he reflected, as thoughts of other troublesome chaff came to mind. When there was no immediate response, the rage quickly surfaced; holding it in check, he took his time to, once again, ring the doorbell. He wanted her to be sure and understand ignoring him was NOT an option. A few more cycles of ringing and waiting ensued, building both his anger and his passions. Remaining calm was imperative; now was not the time to allow human emotions to interfere with his devilish intent.

     In the midst of his victorious musings there suddenly burst a thunderous rumbling roar from the other side of the door; deafening and as frightening as a freight train's imminent destructive crush bearing down with the great hideous light of it's engine illuminating him in it's spotlight, nearly blinding those reptilian eyes. Shocked and disoriented, yet driven by the engine of his own lust, he continued, now pounding on the door. Blinded by his own lustful rage and livid anger with the former botched jobs of his minions, the Serpent was completely unaware The Ancient of Days had called forth his most mighty warrior to stand guard at the door to protect one of his own. Billy had been too dull to notice, having freely given himself over to the to the demonic schemes. Seething at this turn of events the Serpent's scales bristled with contempt. This will be the final face-off! There is no light greater than mine! he scoured. He did not intend to lose this one.

     Through the glass Billy saw the looming presence of a monstrous creature with hundreds of eyes staring him down and an ear-shattering voice, loud like the crack of thunder, shaking the very ground on which he stood. The blinding white-hot light gave Billy pause to wonder how the door could withstand the heat without bursting into flames. The Serpent knew it well and coiled to strike. The menacing voice was commanding and powerful causing both Billy and the Serpent to stumble backward, unable to resist. This one you may not have! the voice pealed, She belongs to the Lion and the Lamb. The Serpent, recognizing the voice, remained undaunted; bent on the destruction he had already charted, propelled Billy forward, attempting his own countermove toward the door. He was ready to shed this worthless shell and do battle on his own - but not yet prepared to admit he'd chosen another substandard vessel - so he pushed on.

     As if bending into the force of hurricane winds, the Serpent drove Billy forward toward the door once again, determined to break through. The prize was in there and he WOULD have it! Billy, feeling the bile of fear rising up in his throat, froze when suddenly the unspeakable creature stepped through the unopened door morphing into a great living spire of light. The entire yard was illuminated with its blazing presence revealing the reptilian form within Billy, and it was bearing down on him. How was THAT even possible? Billy freaked, attempting to wrap his mind around what he'd just seen, not noticing the scales now protruding through his skin. Out from the midst of the light the great voice resounded once again, STOP! The Keeper will not allow you access. You cannot touch those who belong to Him! and producing a flaming sword, aimed it directly at Billy's heart, chilling him to the core. Billy's legs turned to jello at the fearsome sight. Yet he could feel the unholy struggle raging within himself; his own lust not having departed. This ancient battle was all too familiar to the Serpent; an ever present thorn in his side. He pressed even deeper into Billy's psyche. I am god here! he shrieked. Move, Billy! You simpering little snipe! You know she's in there, and I know you want her, he goaded.

     Attempting to comply with the Serpent's promptings, Billy's feet seemed rooted to the ground. He was unable to respond as the light of this creature enveloped him with its incinerating presence, pressing the sword into his flesh. Billy, your sins have found you out, the great voice of the creature condemned. Billy recoiled at the sound, retreating into the depths of his depravity, as he felt his body begin to smolder. Then from behind more lights appeared, flashing colors - red and blue, red and blue - with the ear-piercing scream of sirens. Filled with the frustration of the unattained conquest, he collapsed on the lawn unaware of the Serpent's seamless precision of withdrawal.

     Choking on the stench of his defeat, the Serpent silently slipped away across the lawn, the shifting of the blades of grass barely noticeable as he slithered into the darkness, leaving Billy to bear the consequences he knew all too well.

     He would Find a better goat next time, he coughed, puffing a toxic fume.


John 3:19-20
This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.

Copyright 2012 Donna Larsen

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The Amoebic Lifestyle

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Have you ever encountered people who live I have come to call an amoebic lifestyle? You know amoeba, those tiny shape-shifting single-celled creatures that spend their lives just oozing around the bottom of ponds. Their lives consist of mere reactions to their circumstances and surroundings. People who live amoebic lives make only the necessary momentary adjustments to avoid pain and suffering; choices made on-the-fly, so to speak. They  don't seem to consider the future at all. Living in the moment, some might call it. But living in the moment has it's consequences. This lifestyle will eventually reveal they are living in crisis mode on an ongoing basis.

I have another blog called Life Without Chocolate; the name being a metaphor for choosing to live without certain things in my life that aren't beneficial to me or my health. These "things" that are needful to be chosen certainly range deeper than just the physical. Just because I can doesn't mean I should covers so much more than making choices about my physical being or merely reacting to circumstances. It extends to the mental and spiritual as well.

I seem to have the need to test the waters on a regular basis even knowing the outcome! I know that if I eat chocolate I will suffer greatly as a result - a given. And this is only one example. Why do I do that? I actually know but I will spare you the sermon. It's the human curse/blessing to be sure - free will. Free will gets us into trouble all the time!

I could choose to live in the moment daily, eat what I want or do what I want, and deal with the consequences as they arise living the amoebic lifestyle but I've found life flows more smoothly if I actually think ahead. I'm just starting to get the big picture in a clearly much larger scope after being diagnosed with food allergies 16 months ago. Kind of the HD/3D version of life. In those 16 months there have been many bad choices, oversights and Oh, duh! moments.

This new revelation has given understanding which has overflowed into my spiritual life as well. As a child of God I can certainly make choices in this life that are fun and interesting - for the moment - however they may have lasting negative consequences far beyond what I might realize. Cursed FREE WILL!

The Bible encourages us to live not just for the moment but for eternity; to set our minds on the things that will affect the eternal outcome of our lives and not the things just pertaining to our earthly lives. In other words, we are not to live as amoebas just bumping around life reacting, but actually planning ahead for what's to come.

And what is to come you might ask? Good question. If you were to die today what would happen to you? I believe there is God given life after death - either in heaven, through Jesus, or hell, through rejecting Him. You may believe there is nothing after death where everything just ends. That's your prerogative. But what if I'm right and you are wrong? Then I will have lost nothing and you will have lost everything! If we've chosen to live the amoebic lifestyle it is too late to make any other choice once we've died.

For me it's like choosing to live without chocolate. It's a much healthier life I live without it - in the moment and in the future. I have also chosen to live through Jesus - now and forever - making those decisions in life that are not just an amoebic response to my circumstances. 

How about you?

Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.
Colossians 3:2 

Fibromyalgia - My opinion

Monday, June 4, 2012

Wisdom and common sense says, if one thing doesn't work try something else. That's what I did. This is a part of my story that I haven't as yet shared.

Personally I am convinced that many of the people out there who are diagnosed with fibromyalgia and are given drugs with potential horrendous side effects to combat the pain are really suffering from food allergies/sensitivities. But does conventional medicine test for food allergies? NO!

This is only my opinion, but it is also my experience.

Aside from the health issues of benzodiazepines (read My Story) there was other stuff going on in my body that was unexplained - nebulous pain, muscle cramps that would stay locked in for days and hypersensitivity to OTC pain relievers and prescription drugs. I became terrified if I needed even a simple antibiotic not knowing how my body would respond.

My God directed appointment.

I had been wanting to find a doctor closer to home who could manage my natural hormone replacement therapy and discovered a new doctor in town who also happened to be a naturopathic doctor. The first visit with her became my life changing God directed appointment. After addressing the primary reason for my visit, HRT, she began asking routine questions regarding the new patient health forms I had filled out. A few minutes later she recommended I be tested for food allergies/sensitivities. Figuring I had nothing to lose I agreed and one month later I discovered, after being tested for 200 foods, I had sensitivities to 51 of those foods or their components. That's 25%! Many of which had been a regular part of my daily diet - dairy, wheat, coffee, chocolate (heartbreaking) just to name a few of the most common.

Not all health foods are healthy!

We hear on a regular basis how good olive oil is for us and should be the primary oil in our pantry which is exactly what I'd done not knowing that having it in my daily diet was like taking poison. It has been eye-opening to realize many of the things that modern society has come to believe are good for us have actually been causing me health issues. How many advertisements tell us whole wheat should be a daily part of our diet? Or, eat our "leafy greens" for good health. Well one of the most common leafy greens, spinach, is NOT good for me - nor are tomatoes, sweet potatoes, olives (olive oil), cranberries, cherries, I could go on but I will spare you the whole list of 51. You get the idea, right? 

Chocolate - my neurotoxin.

I've now come to consider chocolate a neurotoxin! After having removed it completely from my diet for about 9 months I decided to treat myself (well, really I binged but that's beside the point) and ended up with a leg cramp that lasted for 10 days! OK, now I know - chocolate is poison in my body, unless of course I want to suffer the consequences. No, thank you, I'd rather live without the pain. Pain is a great deterrent!

So, by now you may be asking, What does this all have to do with my opinion of fibromyalgia?

It's all in my choices.

What is the definition of fibromyalgia but unexplained widespread pain! The pain and the associated muscle cramps would often leave my medical care givers scratching their heads. They had no explanation for what was happening to me. I would get a chiropractic adjustment to realign my spine and before I could make the 10 minute drive to the massage therapist it would be all pulled out of alignment once again by the muscles! The physical therapy, chiropractic and massage therapy were only temporary solutions at best. HOWEVER, after eliminating the offending foods from my diet for one month all these issues began to go away. I can now live pain free and free of muscle cramps if I chose to eat right.

A little networking, and I've begun to hear similar stories. I even mentioned it to my naturopathic doctor and she couldn't disagree. My heart breaks for all those out there who are suffering chronic pain when it is possible their condition is being caused by what they are eating and it could so easily be remedied by eliminating certain foods from their diets.

If you have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and think it would be worth getting tested for food allergies I strongly urge you to seek out a naturopathic doctor and request the test. It could be life changing.

I'm praying for you.


Broken

Friday, May 18, 2012

    There comes a time in all of our lives when we feel somehow "broken". Whether it by by illness, accident or birth we all will face the truth about ourselves - I'm broken. It may be temporary or it may be permanent. We don't always have control over these things and it leaves us feeling - well, feeling many things which can range from fear to hopelessness to depression.

     If there is any compassion in us we also break when we see someone who has come to this difficult realization in their life because we know their struggle. We know their pain. And, if we know the love of God for us, we also know the battle that is being fought within their spirit. We know they are either striving to live perfect lives or they are striving to cover up the fact their life is less than perfect - something a bit like attempting to juggle elephants.

      How do you explain to someone in this position that no one is perfect? How do you explain to someone God's love for the imperfect? God loves to take the broken things in our lives and mend them. Yet, sometimes He uses us exactly the way we are and gives us the grace to function as if we are whole. This is one of His mysteries.

     As I was pondering broken things I was reminded of how God thinks of us a vessels. He wants us to be vessels into which He can pour Himself. His desired result being He flow out through us. Some of us must be filled up to the top before He "overflows" our lives, but, with those of us who are broken He flows out through the "cracks" of our lives - and that much more quickly! Don't misunderstand. It's good to be filled up to overflowing with all that is of God. But how much greater to have God flowing out through the cracks of our lives spilling  His love out to others who are also broken. We are not meant to be islands in this world but rivers, streams and oceans of His love pouring out to others who are also broken. Broken is NOT a bad thing.

     If we will admit it to ourselves we don't actually have control over our lives - we try - but we don't. Oh, we do have the ability to make choices but so does everyone else and there lies the problem. We can control our choices but not those of others. At some point all these choices being made will collide and lives will be forever changed. There is only one choice we can make for ourselves that will change our own life - forever. Choose the solution God has provided for our broken lives - Jesus.

     Previously I mentioned God's mysteries. He loves mysteries. Jesus is one of those mysteries. But God has given us the key to that mystery and how it will heal broken lives.      In Psalm 31 King David, who has come to understand this mystery of God, pours out his heart to God when he feels "like a broken vessel". If David - a king, a great man - knows he is not perfect and his only source of help and strength is God alone - so can we. If a king, who has every resource at his command, can be broken yet find strength and comfort in God, so can we.

Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Psalm 31:24

Fear

Thursday, April 5, 2012


Have you ever been afraid? Have you feared something from the past revisiting your life? A present danger? A future event? There are many things to fear in life. In DallasTexas, the recent tornadoes surely had people in fear of their lives. And I'm sure people in Haiti still experience some fear if the ground rumbles a bit too much. 

As a child I always felt safer when entering a dark room if someone else was with me. Or, as an adult, standing deep in a cave and having the guide suggest taking the hand of the person next to us before they extinguish the light demonstrating absolute darkness. There the presence of another person was comforting.

Fear can either direct or destroy our lives. Fears that direct our lives are those which give us a healthy respect for the consequences. We make future choices based on those fears hoping to avert the negative consequences experiences in the past. Destroying fears are those which paralyze us and cause despair. The destructive fears prevent us from moving forward in life stagnating us in a sense of hopelessness. Those are the fears God speaks of when He tells us to “fear not.” But it's hard not to fear if we don't have faith because when God says fear not it is followed by I am with you. Do you know God is with you today? Is His presence a comfort?

If you are experiencing fear today maybe it is because you don't know that God is with you. Or, maybe you are not trusting in the comfort of His presence. He wants us to leave our fears with Him and move forward.

When we truly know that Jesus is the light, salvation and defense of our lives we will not get caught up in the fear, dread or despair that so easily overwhelms us. He has promised if we come near to Him He will come near to us (James 4:8). God never lies. What He says He will do - He WILL do.

In the Bible, David said he “would have despaired unless (he) had believed that (he) would see the goodness of the Lord…” (Psalm 27:13-14). David knew the Lord as his rescuer and so had the confidence to fear not. He could say “Whom shall I fear?” and “Whom shall I dread?” (Psalm 27:1). To that we can also add What shall I fear?, and What shall I dread? Knowing the goodness of the Lord gives us the courage to stand in His presence, confidently, with strength having the healthy fear and respect for God’s power and ability to overcome anything and without the fear that destroys us.

If you are fearful today don't let that fear destroy you. Call on the presence of God and the name of Jesus - the Name above all names - the name powerful enough to replace your fears with comfort and confidence.

Smoke Free

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I was recently thinking about the presence of God and remembered how much more I became aware of His presence during my time of withdrawal from benzodiazepine. It was a fiery trial for sure. I could have felt utterly abandoned...but I didn't. I could have been left bitter about that experience...but I wasn't. I could have been angry that those I trusted for my physical well-being missed all the signs thus directing my care on a destructive path...but I'm not. Why? Because I would never have experienced God's presence in such a meaningful way otherwise.

I thought about Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego from the Bible. They experienced the presence of God in a way they never would have had they not been tossed into the blazing furnace only to survive - to the amazement of those watching. But not only did they survive they didn't even smell like smoke when they came out! (Daniel 3:27). For me that fact is even more impressive than God having been present with them there in that furnace - also witnessed by those who attempted to kill them. I grew up camping with my family during the summer and I remember the smell of smoke from the campfire permeating our clothing, hair, tent and sleeping bags - and that from just being in the same camp site near the fire. The smell clings to everything! I can only imagine what Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego should have smelled like - yet didn't!

How many times after coming out of a trial or tragedy do we continue on in life with the effects of that experience emanating from us like rancid smoke? Often! We wear those experiences like shabby smokey garments, refusing to take them off and we enjoy making others "feel" the fabric of our misery attempting to gain their sympathy.

Yet when we've experienced the presence of God to that degree - when we've become fully aware of His presence through those difficult places in life - we can walk out of them not even "smelling like smoke", free from the effects that hold the potential to scar us for life. We become stronger and more confident in our faith in God for having had the experience of the power of His presence. You may wonder if God is present then why doesn't He just prevent the trial altogether so we don't have to suffer? Ah, but would we appreciate or acknowledge His presence? I think not. We are too self-centered by nature - but that is a whole other topic.

Are you walking around smelling like the smoke of your trials? Or, wearing the shabby smokey garments of defeat? Do you attempt to attract the attention of others to gain their sympathy rather than drawing closer to God? God says if you draw near to Him He will draw near to you (James 4:8). His presence has the power to keep you from the rancid odorous effects of trials - trials meant to be a proving ground of faith. Then, having become even stronger in faith, you will be able encourage others to stand strong acknowledging the presence of God in their own lives. It's the circle of life on a whole new level.


Death and Life

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Have you ever experienced the dawning of a truth? Recently I have. It isn't an immediate realization of something but a slow rising knowledge that builds in steps as information is made known. A slow enlightenment of sorts.

The final step in enlightenment for me, which I must say was very powerful, came at the comment of a friend who is a vegetarian. You see, I am not vegetarian and my friend and I, respecting each others dietary choices, occasionally engage in good-natured verbal sparring over whose choice is right. Her parting comment was, "Yes, but at least it doesn't involve the senseless slaughter of innocent animals." That comment coupled with having watched a brief portion of a television show where the participants were "transported" back in time to live as cave men made the point for me. The participants in the show came to the difficult position of needing to kill to survive and found themselves impacted by that event in a way they didn't expect - mourning the life of the animal with gratitude realizing its death would give them life. It became a very spiritual event.

That's when I had an Aha! moment. That is exactly what God intends - the realization that for us to live means there must be death. We may not ever be able to fully understand it, but that is His plan. Whether we kill a plant or an animal something must die for us to live. That is His picture of salvation. And how much more impact than when the life of an animal - an innocent animal - must be taken for our survival. I realized then modern society has become too far removed from the natural process of providing sustenance for survival. It has become too impersonal and we have lost sight of God's true meaning of death for life.

God intends for us to be personally impacted through every day events which provide the sustenance of life. Without that impact we lose touch with His very personal plan for our eternal life - Jesus death for our life. For me it now makes perfect sense when I look at it in that light. For my physical being to live something must die. For my eternal being to live there also must be death - and God provided that through Jesus. That was His once-and-for-all plan and promise. Eternal life only required death once.

It was out of God's great love for us that He gave the life of His Son Jesus in death so that we would live. Then to prove the power of His promise Jesus returned from the dead - something no animal, nor plant, can do.  Life is given through death - and I am grateful. Are you?

Hope

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Hope. What is it? How do some grasp it with such tenacity and others not? Why, when there is so much evidence of hopelessness around us, does hope endure within the human spirit? These are all questions I have asked myself and recently revisited.

Having been challenged to write the explanation of my reason for having hope I found it to be an undertaking greater than I first realized. It was necessary to refresh my memory as to the definition of hope: to desire something with expectation to receive, achieve or obtain. Yet how often we view hope from the negative perspective -  wanting something but not expecting to receive. That was my view of hope for many years. As a child hope always seemed to be a double-edged sword with the power to execute joy or great disappointment. More often than not the latter seemed to hold true. However, when I discovered that hope in itself was to elicit expectation of obtainment that revealed a whole other perspective leaving me to wonder what I had been missing.

Now that I've looked at it from a few differing perspectives I realize where the issue may be for most of us who, like me, have viewed it from the negative. Hope, by nature, brings the expectation of fulfillment yet from experience there's doubt - few of us have ever received everything we have ever desired or wanted. Hope has seemed to fail us just as relationships, or finances, and because lies are told, promises are not kept, life gives way to death, and the list goes on and on. Are you looking to these things for your hope? Reality reveals there is reason to doubt, right? It becomes a bit like attempting to grasp a shadow. Expectation with doubt becomes self-cancelling leaving a void of hopelessness and an irreconcilable stalemate. How then can it be possible to have any positive view of hope?

ASSURANCE

Hope must have assurance. But there are no assurances in anything in life, you might be saying. Ah, that was my experience as well - until I discovered there is complete assurance to be found. But in finding assurance there must also be faith. The faith that there is only one thing we can ever hope for with the assurance of receiving - eternal life. We can put our faith in many things and have them fail just as hope may have failed us, so what is the difference? The difference is the source. Relying on anything temporary in which to place our faith or put our trust and hope is futile. Remember that brief list previously mentioned? Relationships fail, finances are unstable, people lie and die - there is NOTHING in this world that is completely lasting or reliable. We have to look outside of what we can see, outside of the temporary nature of life, to find what is enduring enough to hold our hope and faith. In doing so we will find the contentment that comes with such hope. This contentment overrides all other disappointments in life.

Can we expect relationships to last forever when we see them fail daily? Should we trust or hope in finances when money so quickly disappears? What about the expectation of living forever when it is clear everyone dies? Or, is it possible to trust when promises are broken and lies are told? These are all circumstances that affect how we regard hope. So where do we find the assurance that makes hope possible?

GOD

See what I mean? It's a challenge to explain hope. I believe it can't be done without looking at God as the source. Why? Because hope has to be founded on truth. If there is no truth there is no hope. There must be ONE reliable and trustworthy place from which hope emanates. Where have you found truth? Have you found ONE source of truth that has never disappointed or failed? I believe that source is found in God because He has said He is incapable of lying. And, after close study of His character - not to mention His track record - I have found this to be consistent with His nature. On this plane of life I certainly don't trust those who have lied to me. Who better to trust than the One who has said, promised, and proven Himself to be true. So when He has said He loves me, wants me to have hope, and has promised and provided the means for hope and accomplished the assurance of my hope, that I believe to be true. The human spirit not only requires one truth, one hope and one assurance, it longs for and craves the satisfaction of truth and hope. How has God provided these?

JESUS

Seeing there was no way for us to find the reliability of hope on our own, God provided it for us through His Son Jesus. That physical expression of Himself sent into the world to show us the reliability of His love for us - and to give us hope. Jesus became the greatest expression of the promise of hope that could ever be given - and never outdone. God sealed His promise of hope, the hope of more than just this life in this world - something far greater - with the sacrificial act of Jesus' execution on the cross. But not just execution, crucifixion, the cruelest form of death mankind has ever instituted. Why would God choose to do this when He, as God, is able to accomplish anything? Because He wanted His promise of hope to be irrevocably, horrifyingly beautiful enough to be a once-and-for-all trustworthy pact of His...

LOVE

So, what is hope to me? It is believing in the assurance of God's love and the promise of life beyond this life, sealed by His promise in the blood of His own Son. Anything else I may hope for pales in comparison.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God...and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:1-2,5

What We Cannot See

Thursday, March 1, 2012


     When I began this blog it was all about the story  Benny  and the spiritual battle being fought outside our natural realm of perception. It's not hard to convince others of the evil that exists in this world but exposing that evil for what it is can be difficult. There is a barrier that prevents us from seeing the whole truth.  I'm not sure we would even want to see the whole truth. Let me rephrase that, we don't need to see the real face of evil, we just need to know the face of truth.
     When I was weaning off the drug benzodiazepine, I chose to focus on the truth and not the evil of the continuous assault as the drug lost it's grip on me. I focused on one thing and one thing only - the strength of God's love and power that is greater than any force behind a drug. I believed that prior to that experience and I believe it with even more conviction now. I also believe that holds true for ANY circumstance in life with the ability to hold us in a tight grip. Anything we struggle with. When we are held by something that ultimately has the power to destroy us, that comes from the realm of the unseen. We may be powerless but God is not.
     Every culture in the world has it's own concept of good and evil. Good is what sustains life and evil is what destroys. Human nature has the ability to do either. But from where is the influence? There will always be those who believe it is all just human nature and, granted, we are capable of vile acts of inhumanity against one another - by choice. Yet any choice is directed by influence.The weak and vulnerable are swayed to act upon this influence. To go beyond the fence, so to speak.
     For me there are things in life that are just a "given" - faith, good, evil, eternity. Having faith means being confident in knowing what I cannot see is actually true. Some will choose to trust in only what they can see. I believe that is a serious mistake leaving them open to influences of which they will be unaware. Others even choose to yield themselves completely to the dark and evil side, again with complete unawareness. Since I've made no secret of being a believer in Christ I believe what we are told in the Bible to be true - we can be aware of that other dimension in the spiritual world because God has said we must be alert and aware of those forces that work against our good. God wants what is good for us because He is good and incapable of evil. He wants us to resist the evil. What I love about His wanting our good is that He understands we are completely incapable of doing good all the time on our own. We will fail. And He has provided for that condition.
     Although having written  Benny  as an allegory,regarding the spiritual battle being fought daily outside the realm of visual perception, within it lies a truth. The truth regarding the other dimension.

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

Defining Wisdom

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

After discovering the last blog entry, Grief, reached the most readers, I came to the conclusion there are many hurting people out there. Really, that's no surprise. People are looking for answers to difficult questions. Questions usually beginning with, Why? We all want the truth, don't we? We want to run to where ever wisdom can be found and told the truth.
     If you have read My Story then you already know I am a person of faith. That is the basis of my life and direction. When deciding upon a name for this blog I chose Wisdom's Response not out of the desire to share the great truths and wisdom that I have gained but to share the wisdom and truths that have been made available to all of us if we would just ask.
     The wisdom and truth I learned through the process of breaking free from the grip of benzodiazepine is that I am NOT alone. Actually, better said is, I never allowed myself to believe I was alone.Believing we are alone is buying into a lie. And ulitmate defeat.When fear and self pity lead me in that direction I had to stop and ask myself, Who am I, of all people, to think I am the only one to suffer the effects of a drug gone bad?
     Now, let's take that same lie and apply it to any other problem that may occur in life. I am alone in                    .  Fill in the blank. Is that really true? I say it is never true. As with Benny, in Benny, that is the lie that comes out of  darkness. Once you have gotten past that lie you will be on the road to recovery and victory - over ANYTHING. However, it does not mean it will always be easy. Some battles do get bloody.
     If, like me, you have ever heard that lie you know it is not a shout but a whisper. It's insidious and it is designed to filter into the very depths of the soul - a designer lie!  The lie designed to defeat and destroy. Just like the designer drugs created to target specific diseases. That lie is not of our making. It comes straight out of the mouth of Benny (my new name for everything evil in the world). It is the pure essence of a lie. Do not fall prey to the lie. We are never alone. Knowing the truth makes spotting the lie that much easier. It will stick out like a single black sheep in a field of white lambs.
     So, next time you feel alone or are looking for answers, for truth, for wisdom, I encourage you to consider going to the source. There is a book in the Bible called James and there in the beginning of this book it says, If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. I have tested that truth over and over and found it to be true. God loves to keep His promises. AND, He will never deny an honest heart an honest answer.

Wisdom says we are never alone. The Source of wisdom is waiting for us to ask.

Grief

Monday, February 13, 2012


     This article was already in development when the news of Whitney Houston's death made headline news. I am posting this article a day early because I can't express the depth of my sadness when hearing, as reported on NBC's Today Show this morning, that Miss Houston had been taking benzodiazepines. This drug can lead to tolerance, dependency and horrible withdrawal effects and yet they are considered a "pretty normal prescription", a quote attributed to LA's assistant chief coroner, Ed Winter, involved with investigating Miss Houston's death. And THAT is what frightens me.
     I had promised myself that I would not use this blog as a soap-box yet with recent developments involving this very drug class I just can't help myself. It is an insidious drug that is doled out as a candy prescription without thought regarding its capability to destroy lives.
     I am not a crusader. Really, I'm not. However, prior to Miss Houston's death I had been pondering another recent revelation, via msnbc's prime time news cast of January 25, 2012, regarding the attempt of "scientists" to have grief labeled as a mental illness, and it has my hackles up. I feel confident in assuming those "scientists" are on the payroll of the largest drug companies out there. What better way to reach a larger potential population with a drug that can create a self sustaining income. What is the front-line drug for something everyone experiences, grief and anxiety - benzodiazepines!
     And this is frightening - no terrifying - because a drug class such as this is nothing to be trifled with. Drugs like this are designed and targeted for very specific centers in the brain - which can lead to addiction and dependency. Those who are intolerant of such drugs, when exposed, fall victim to a most hellacious experience. A mere percentage point on the scale of medical progress. All well and good, unless you are one of them.
     My experience with the drug class benzodiazepine is not uncommon (read My Story and it's allegory Benny). It is reported that 5% of those exposed to this drug class will have adverse reactions. Some severe. I believe that is most likely not an accurate % due to the fact that once the reaction occurs the victim may be misdiagnosed as having a mental disorder. And once that step has been taken the medical community ceases to look for the real answer and treats the victim accordingly...with antidepressants and, likely as not, more benzodiazepines. I speak from experience. Although I insisted surgery was the benchmark of my experience, and asked repeatedly what I had been given during surgery that could cause a reaction such as mine, I was never taken seriously. NO ONE checked! But I did - once I got off the drug and got well - nearly 1 1/2 years later, I requested and received my anesthesia records from that surgery. I had been given midazolam (benzodiazepine), a common practice during surgery.
     I am not saying this/these drugs have no place in treatment. I am saying I believe there are many more out there than the purported 5% who are intolerant. And what terrifies me about grief being labeled as a mental illness is MANY more will fall victim to the vicious effects of this drug unnecessarily. Classifying grief as a mental disorder would be a very slippery slope.
Wisdom says ordinary grief is NOT a mental disorder but a natural response to loss. I dare say none have escaped it. Most get through it without drugs. I pray for intervention that would prevent such a categorization. It would be dancing with the devil - a dance no one wants.  And grief of another sort.
     My heart grieves for the family of Whitney Houston, and Miss Houston herself, if proven she had been battling the benzodiazepine demon alone. It is a victory that can be won.
     We must be wary and informed. Not all prescriptions considered "normal" are harmless.